


Hormones Are Poison

by Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: Awkward Boners, Break Up, Caves, Crack, Crack Pairing, Dirty Talk, Embarrassment, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, I don't even know..., I'm Going to Hell, Idea too sexy to pass up, Misunderstandings, Not for the faint of heart, Other, Out of Character, Sexual Content, Sorry (I'm not sorry) Nintendo, Two Alternate Endings, What Was I Thinking?, very crazy bad idea, we all know who the real creep is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-13
Updated: 2015-03-14
Packaged: 2018-03-17 18:18:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3539303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero/pseuds/Corona_the_Sleazy_Hero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ike a pedophile? Who would say such a preposterous thing? Lovemaking with a Bucculus? What is the world coming to?</p><p>Join me on a cracktastic adventure to where the sun don't shine. My first crackfic, so be nice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ike the Pedophile

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of my first crack fics. I considered omitting the second chapter but didn't. Skip the second chapter if you don't want to see Ike getting it on with a Bucculus. Anyway have fun reading. Thanks :).

  All was well in the Smash Mansion. In the morning many Smashers went about their daily routine with great meticulousness. The Smashers would rise early in the morning to follow their strict training regimens, using any stage as their battleground. All was well-

"IKE YOU'RE A PEDOPHILE!" Falco shrieked.

This was the start of Ike's dilemma.

There was nothing the boy could do: fighting excited him in the wrong way.

Ike had been showing Ness the finer points of fighting when IT had happened.

It was the umpteenth time that it had occurred. Ike had gotten a boner while sparring, which led to the accusation that he was a pedophile. The younger kids and some the Pokemon started asking questions about "Ike's Snake".

"It's people like you who should rot in prison",came another voice.

"Keep your pecker in your pants!" shouted Link.

Ike faltered in his combo and was sent flying by a PK Thunder. He landed in a heap but rose again quickly.

"The thought of being able to touch a young boy is keeping him going. He doesn't care how he touches Ness: whether it be with punches or his crazy dick!"

Ike growled,"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'm trying to teach!"

"Yeah guys, stop interrupting him-"

"Thanks Zelda." said Ike.

"-As I was saying, if you don't stop interrupting, he's going to rape us all."

Pit began to cry,"I don't want to be violated by Ike!"

That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

"I don't know where you guys are getting this shit from. I'm **NOT** a pedophile!"

"Well your pants are telling another story." Fox guffawed.

"What are you doing looking at my cock? It's not like I can control it. GAWD!" Ike snarled, utterly exasperated.

"What's going on here?"

It was Marth. He was being led into the arena by the Ice Climbers.

 _Oh shit,_ was the first thought that came to Ike's mind.

"Please amuse me with a fucking explanation _._ " Marth hissed, his tone becoming poisonous in less than a second. _  
_

_I can't fuck this up. He's a bitchy prince, but that's the price I have to pay for the awesome sex,_ thought Ike.

"It's not what you think, I swear-"

"SO IT'S TRUE! You want to have a scandalous fling with a boy. A  _child_ at that! How unbecoming! I am beside myself with fury. Do you know how this looks on my credentials? My reputation?-"

"Marth let me ex-"

Marth's eyes narrowed to pinpricks. In one swift motion, he removed one of his gauntlets and smacked Ike on the head. Hard. Ike groaned in agony.

"You don't ever interrupt a prince when he's speaking,  _mongrel_. You are very fortunate I didn't kill you on the spot."

Marth stepped onto a glamorous float and was followed out of the arena by a swath of worshippers, who had all turned against Ike the moment Marth had.

Ike was alone and horny, even after getting his ass handed to him. He was a sick fuck, a mascochistic ass motherfucker.

 


	2. Lovemaking with a Bucculus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I'm going to give you a fair warning. Ike gets it on with a BUCCULUS. Don't like, don't read. It's crack, so who cares who or should I say, WHAT Ike sleeps with? If you're going to read this chapter I commend you for your bravery.
> 
> PS. I think I made Ike's fling with the Bucculus too short. Hey, this is my first time writing anything dirty ;).

 Ike left the Mansion after the grand fiasco had left him with the reputation of a pedophile.

When he got outside, it was drizzling slightly.

_I need to stop this. It may be normal for young men to get erections, but I can't have it happen to me every time I fight! If Marth would quit being a stuck-up bitch, I would fuck his brains out and maybe I wouldn't be so damn horny!,_ Ike mused, becoming desperate for relief.

It felt like a chore to wear pants when all he wanted to let his engorged shaft out. The constant friction was providing more stimulation than he could handle. Ike saw no reason to debate any longer.

He entered a cave to get some respite from the rain, which was now a full-blown storm.

He observed the stalactites hanging from the ceiling, they were glistening with water. As he delved deeper, he decided to try and get off.

He pulled down his pants and lightly caressed his aching member. His breath hitched as he played with himself, moving his hand in a rhythmic motion. Nothing.

No matter how much he touched, he couldn't get off.

Ike was painfully aroused, and quickly becoming frustrated,  _It doesn't feel the same as when Marth is down there. How did everything get so fucked up? I have to STOP thinking about him!_

A shuffling in the dirt caught his attention, and out popped a Bucculus!

Ike reached for his blade... which he had somehow forgotten in his haste.

_Shit, I have to get out of here!_

Suddenly the Bucculus latched onto his cock. Ike was in disbelief.

"What the hell?"

The monster was sucking him off. It was a monster doing this to him but he couldn't deny the wonderful sensations.

"Ah... Ahhh... Ooh...." Ike purred, his throaty moans echoing in the cave.

Although Ike acknowledged the fact that what was happening was strange, he didn't want it to stop.

The Bucculus' mouth was surprisingly slick. Slick with what? Ike didn't know. The tightness of the monster's mouth was driving him wild.

The monster clung firmly to Ike's cock, as his hips began to twitch out of his own accord.

"Good... so good..." he mewled.

Ike resigned himself to his fate and fell to his knees.

The pace at which the monster was sucking quickened. Ike's heart was leaping out of his chest, his panting changing to an occasional moan.

He came abruptly, the orgasm taking his breath away. He felt the sweet bliss overwhelm him and spread throughout his body. Relief had come at last.

After he came, the Bucculus burrowed itself back into the ground, content with it's find.

Ike found himself falling into sleep's embrace, and drifted off to the sound of rain. 

 

 


	3. Waking To A Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. Enjoy :)!

Ike was being shaken back into the waking world.

"Huh...?" he asked, still groggy.

"It's a-me Ike."

Dr. Mario. Dr. Mario had woken up Ike: Ike who had his pants down. He attempted to cover himself.

Ike's face became cherry red,"Dr. Mario!"

"Yeah it's a-me, don't wear out the title. Sorry boy, I should probably turn around."

Ike quickly pulled up his pants,"How did you find me?"

"I just followed the moaning.",replied Dr. Mario.

"W-was I that loud?" Ike asked, heat pooling across his face.

Dr. Mario chuckled,"It's nothing to be ashamed about!"

"So you saw..."

The realization hit home with Ike. Dr. Mario had seen everything: he heard the pants and moans and saw Ike lose himself in lust. How embarrassing. His heart sank into his stomach.

"It's completely normal. When I was younger I would do the same thing. It's not like you did it on purpose. How can you say no to something that feels great?"

"Good point. This can stay between us, right?"

"Of course! Your secret is safe with me. But it's no secret: guys get off here all the time."

"Alright. Thanks for being cool Dr. Mario. Well I should be heading back. See ya!"

Ike left for Smash Mansion, unbeknownst to him, danger was brewing.

 


	4. The Whore of Smash Mansion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I couldn't decide on one ending, I chose to include two alternate endings. Tell me which one you like more! Thanks for reading :D.

 As he walked into the foyer, Ike heard some of the Smashers clamoring.

The Smashers were looking at the bulletin board, which ordinarily went unnoticed.

"Look it's the man of the hour!" Samus chirped.

"I didn't know you rolled that way." said Little Mac.

Ike neared the group and saw what they had been yelling about... an article showing Ike doing the nasty with the Bucculus. Ike's important bits were blurred out, but all subtlety had been thrown out the window because the article had been printed on neon yellow paper. The purpose of the obnoxious color was of course to draw everyone' attention.

Ike's cheeks burned red,  _How'd that get there?!_

Suddenly Master Hand burst out of his office,"What's going here?!"

Shulk beamed,"Ike's a **whore**!"

Master Hand balled up (XD),"DR. MARIO QUIT WASTING MY INK! EVERYONE ALREADY KNOWS IKE IS A WHORE!"

_Well it's better to be a whore than a pedophile._

Ike shrugged his shoulders and took off his clothes, earning gasps from the Smashers.

He smiled and walked away butt-nekked, embracing his whoredom.

 


	5. Ike the Boss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of having another ending where Ike wakes up and the story was a dream. But that trope is WAY too overused. Last chapter. We're going to talk about Ike's wee-wee a lot so if that makes you uncomfortable... I don't know how you made it this far. Thanks for sticking around this long. Buh-bye!

 A few weeks after Ike's incident with the Bucculus, he found himself unable keep his boner up. Although he initially felt relieved the ache was finally gone, the relief was beginning to turn to horror.

Walking back to his quarters, Ike ran into the last person he wanted to see: Marth.

"Hello Ike."

"Hey."

_What the hell? He goes from wanting to whale me in the face to greeting me? Marth must have a special kind of brain...,_

"Listen Ike, I'm breaking up with you."

Ike was surprised but not as upset as he thought he'd be. Ike decided from the beginning to be detached and think of Marth as nothing more than a friend with benefits.

"Why?"

"Well your dick has expired. Pretty much you're no longer on my list for guys to bang. You're invalid. You were fun for awhile. But now I have Robin, Roy, and a lot of other boys. You could say I have a harem!~ I've never been so happy! <3"

"Whatever. That Bucculus in the northern cave is better at head than you so he will be my new mate. He cares about me: well mostly my pleasure, but same shit. You never gave a damn about me you... you... you toad!"

Marth gasped, he was defeated,"Me, a toad?"

Marth ran away, tears streaming from his eyes.

Ike grinned; his work here was done.

**~THE END~**


End file.
